Living In Same House While Divorcing: Living Together While Waiting For Divorce
Marriage is proving to be a delicate union as more couples head for divorce.
It may be an amicable situation for many but what the public generally sees is a lot of mud-slinging leaving both parties bitter and confused. Children involved carry the scars of their parent's and they can be psychologically and physically affected for many years to come.
This kind of attitude has no place when a couple is separated and living together. Any animosity would need to be left at the door of their family home so life could be reasonably peaceful. I am always reminded of an old film called "War of the roses" which starred Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner where a warring couple living in the same house did not get that they needed to be civil to each and both died at the hand of the other.
Some couples consider they have no choice but to stay together and live as roommates. Separated but living together is becoming very common and it is no wonder when you think how hard some families are struggling to keep their heads above water.
Some are even divorced and living together choosing to get their decree but still carry on living under the same roof. The reasons why people chose this way to live are significant and varied.
There are couples who have been living together for some time while trying to sell their house. The real estate market took a big hit in the recession and has not completely recovered. Values dropped, as did buyers willing to pay a fair price. Foreclosures were abundant leaving families with no home and banks trying to salvage some of the money they had loaned. Separated couples saw an opportunity to ride out the storm and hope for better days to come.
NECESSITY became a new way of thinking for many as they tried to hold onto their prime asset.
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Divorcing couples had credit card debt and hire-purchase agreements to contend with as well as rising prices and job losses. In order for these husband's and wives to have some kind of a positive future they knew they had to find a way to reduce their continually rising debts. They could have them split down the middle if their loan providers were willing but if there was only one income coming into the household this would prove difficult.
Children became and are still a huge issue, as poor families knew it would be impossible to support them. The care of their off spring would have been at the forefront of many separated couples decision to stay living together wanting to ensure the children did not suffer in any way. Generally when a couple splits the kids live with one parent while the other has visitation rights. This would mean two residences to pay for which is not feasible if you are struggling to make ends meet. There are parents who could not bear to bring up their children while living apart and have chosen to stay together until their kids are older. This is a supreme sacrifice and not always agreed by some psychologists.
If two consenting adults have made this decision and are comfortable with it then it is their choice to make. When you see how many children have behavioral problems as a result of their parents going through a hostile divorce you have to admire these people who care that much.
In order for a separated or divorced couple to live together with their children a bigger than me attitude would definitely have to be adapted. Fighting around the children could not happen and this would have to be agreed on or the living arrangement would not work. One would hope that mom and dad would make a huge effort to put their differences aside in order for the arrangement to run smoothly.
Some divorced couples have reconciled as they discovered there was a lot more to the person they had married than they thought they knew. This is because the ground rules for being separated but living together would have pushed them both out of their original comfort zones. They would have had to communicate well and show respect for each other's personal space and preferences.
Too often these are the issues that can lead to the break up of a marriage so finding a new level of respect, compassion and tolerance for each other just might be the key to a new beginning.
There is no doubt there will be many who will still argue their way through the time together but they will have learned very little.
When the last world war happened upon this earth many people were pushed together regardless of likes or dislikes color or creed. People learned to pull together for the good of all.
This is now happening in cities, suburbs and small towns across America and the rest of the world. People are separated but living together to fight for a better future for them and their children.
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7) Hold things in - don't communicate with your spouse about "issues" in your marriage. Wait until that tiny problem has grown into a big problem - then start a fight about it.
6) Spend more time with your friends than with your spouse. If your friend wants to do something fun - leave your spouse at home - he/she probably wouldn't enjoy the outing anyway.
5) Since you might not want to have sex when your spouse does - make sure you get your way. Don't let him/her have the pleasure of sexual fulfillment in your marriage. After all, you're tired, you've been working all day, you should only have sex when you want it, right? And never do anything sexual that you don't want to do - regardless of how much it means to your spouse - it's all about you, right?
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4) When you have a disagreement with your spouse - don't attack the problem - focus the blame directly on your spouse. Bring up everything you can think of to back up your point. Think back years and years - use little instances in the past to further prove to your spouse that you're right. After all, since you're right about this disagreement - you should win the argument.
3) Make sure you stay in touch with your old boyfriends and girlfriends - after all, they're just friends. While you're at it - make new friends with the opposite sex - these relationships are healthy - you need to have a lot of friendships with members of the opposite sex in order to have a healthy marriage. And be sure to talk about these "friends" to your spouse as much as possible.
2) Be as negative as you can around your spouse. After all, you've had a hard day, you've been done wrong, you don't feel well - make sure you're spouse knows you're in a bad mood and take it out on he/she. It's your right isn't it?
1) Be disrespectful toward your spouse every chance you get. Put he/she down in front of others. Never give your spouse a compliment and never say encouraging things to one another. Be sure to treat your spouse as if you're a superior being - after all, you probably are, right?
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Remember when your heart simply soared at the sight of your lover? What has happened to those wonderful feelings? Does it feel like the fireworks have fizzled? The stresses of building careers, raising families, paying bills, meeting commitments, leave little time for relationships. Each person in a committed relationship wants to feel that ones partner gets his or her essence. When there is not time and energy set aside to nurture the relationship/marriage the fireworks fizzle and each partner feels emotionally alone.
How can one start to rekindle the emotional connection? When one feels alone it is only natural to want the other person to show real caring first. Instead, what I am suggesting is that you begin by focusing on the needs of your partner. Here are seven tips for reconnecting with your partner.
1. Maintain a positive attitude
Embrace a positive attitude and you will soon find yourself irresistible. You will be amazed how responsive your partner becomes and how much easier it is for you to practice a positive attitude. Keep it up and your relationship will start to shift positively.
2. Do acts of random kindness
It is the little things that have the long-lasting effect on love. What would give your partner pleasure today? Try doing something you know would please your partner, call to say "I love you" for no reason, doing exactly what you said you would do, or taking that extra minute by going above and beyond to please your partner.
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3. Appreciate and acknowledge the positive
Pay attention to what your partner does that pleases you then acknowledge it. When you spot a loving act, speak up! Don't let a single opportunity pass by. Always let your partner know how much he or she means to you and how appreciative you are of each small caring action.
4. Listen with an open heart
Hear what your partner is saying with an openness of heart. You came together by choice accepting your different backgrounds and upbringing. Step back and see your partner objectively. When you do, you will hear and accept whatever is said as belonging to your partner. Listening objectively allows you to hear with an open heart and not from your fear or anxiety.
5. Be fair
Inside yourself you know what it means to play fair in your relationship. When you act with integrity and are fair to yourself, you will automatically do the right thing for you and your partner.
6. Let go of blame. criticism, and judgment
These three relationship killers put you in a danger one of who is right and who is wrong. Communicate how you are feeling and thinking by using the pronoun I. By speaking for yourself you are not putting your partner on the defensive. You will build trust and become closer.
7. Love your partner
Get back in touch with all the qualities you first admired and adored about your partner. What first attracted you to him or her? As you look deeply at what you love about your partner, you can rekindle your love and see your partner with a fresh new perspective.
Couples can love one another and yet find themselves drifting apart and headed for a divorce. There are steps you can take, with or without the aid of your spouse to get your marriage back into the loving place it once was.
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All living beings are sexually wired to react or respond to the opposite sex. Plants, animals, insects and humans are equal here. The mere presence of a person or being or life form of the opposite sex kindles in the other gender, sexual desires or feelings that demand actualization. These feelings increase with each minute spent together. When two people of the opposite are together alone and, especially if they have not had sexual intercourse previously, this feeling build up rather very fast. The build up happens regardless of whether they find each other attractive or not. When the two people of the opposite sex do find each other attractive, the intensity of this feeling more than doubles. The result is what I would like to describe as sexually charged highly intense feeling.
In ninety nine per cent of the time, people have mistaken this sexually charged highly intense feeling as love. Because of the nature of this feeling and its speed of build up when the two people find each other attractive, is why you hear such expressions as being madly in love with someone. This sexually charged highly intense feeling is not love. It is not even pretended love if there is anything like that. The sexually charged highly intense feeling is mere animal instinct wired in man to ensure that he or she is motivated to populate the earth. Call it nature trick or whatever other name that may give you comfort. I call it motivation to force man's intransigent mind to do an important responsibility he would have been very glad to dodge were things to be otherwise.
The common scenario today in dating and other pre-marriage relationships is for people to announce failing or being in love with someone they have just met. The truth is that it is not possible to be in love with a man or woman you just met. Being in love with someone to the point of proposing and accepting marriage cannot genuinely happen in less than six months of relationship at the barest minimum. For many cases, true love may never come before one or more years into the marriage relationship itself.
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Misconstruing the sexually charged highly intense feeling as love, people have justified their involving in premarital sexual intercourse. Premarital sex, regardless of the circumstances under which it is procured and given, is not just evil in the religious sense, it is harmful to the development of genuine love and the mutual respect necessarily required for the evolution and growth of love between a man and a woman. True love is not even a justification for sexual intercourse even in a marriage relationship. Sexual intercourse has a special place and purpose in the life of living beings. True love can make sexual intercourse a good thing but that is all, it does not make it the right thing in all circumstances. This is because the purpose and place of sexual intercourse is divinely designed to take place in legal and lawful marriage. When sexual intercourse is toyed with, the ramifications are so dire that the practitioners live in the shame, sorrow, regret and the torment it produces for a long time. The impact has the capacity to disrupt the lives of those involved permanently. When people are involved in the misuse of sexual intercourse - and this is irrespective of what they thought they felt at the time - the spiritual, social, mental and emotional cost are usually out of proportion to the imagined or supposed benefit of doing it.
The question now is how is a girl, a boy, a man or a woman to know if he or she is genuinely in love enough with someone of the opposite sex to warrant marriage and the appropriate consummation of the marriage through sexual intercourse?
In responding to this question, it is important to note that whenever you feel the rushing feeling to connect sexually with a person of the opposite, then, it is a signal that you do not have respect for the person. There can be no real love without mutual respect. If the feeling that aroused in you in the presence of the opposite sex, especially from the man to the woman, is a desire to have sexual intercourse with the woman, then, know it that what you have is sexually charged highly intense feeling. It is not love for love must go with mutual respect and respect does not think in terms of sexual intercourse.
Sexual intercourse outside marriage is the first evidence of lack of self-respect and respect for the other person.
But if you find yourself in the presence of a member of the opposite where you mind is at peace, no anxieties and in whose presence you feel fired to be your best in attitude, composure and speech, then you are most probably in the presence of a loveable man or woman.
Think about it.
Now Listen Carefully-
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Divorce does not have to be your only option. Even if it feels as though your relationship can't be saved because of the ongoing conflicts between you and your spouse, it can be. There are techniques that you can begin using today that will not only stop a divorce, but will help also you build a stronger and more loving marriage.
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